Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

i’m a very happy and very lucky girl. it seems impossible for me to match everything he does for me but i’ll spend the rest of my life trying. 

ok so i guess i’m not done. 

arghh, it’s so hard. i can’t believe i’m crying. well i can because it’s something i would do but omg i don’t want to tortue myself like this for the next 3 weeks. like really. i can’t imagine that. being at work on the verge of tears. constantly checking my phone. i still hope he is enjoying his time there. but i miss him so much. and i feel so silly for missing him.

i mean, i’d like to think he feels loved knowing how much i miss him and how much it hurts. but like he said, think of the time he comes back. because he will. i trust him and i love him i just am not the patient person i need to be right now. 

hopefully this subsides soon. at least enough to let me sleep and get through tomorrow. 

a little part of me can’t help but feel a little abandoned. but i know he wouldn’t feel that way if i left for 3 week.s yes, he would miss me but he would also not panic like i am right now. 

i’m finding it hard to sleep. 

like i’ve said to myself, i’m trying to look at this as an event to event type of situation. like this saturday i have a fam jam, next week is pay day and then the next weekend is a long weekend. then the week after is breakfast day and the week after is pay day and he’s back on the weekend. i’d fill the time in between with books and videos and other things. 

well i watched so many youtube vids yesterday and tried to read. it doesn’t work. i miss him and i do just want to cry. cry until i’m all cried out. 

so random. it is now after work. early evening. sander texted me before i got to work and as happy as i was to hear from him, it was heartbreaking knowing that’s all i could get from him for now.  work did it’s part ok. i was able to stretch things out. carry things over to next week. but in reality, once i finish it all, my work for the month is done and there’s still 3 weeks left. 

what seemed to lift my mood a considerable amount today was finally being able to apply to graduate !! 

i’m trying to think of other things that would cheer me up. 

i’d like to see my friends. or just hang out with james somewhere. a park. maybe coffee with rachelle on warm day. shopping would help tons. but not really an option. putting together something crafty has come to mind. i’m not sure what though. i’m definitely not the craftiest person. 

hmm. cleaning my room wouldnt really be a fun task but i imagine the end result to be rewarding.. an uncluttered room. feeling less claustrophobic… more space to breathe. just a welcoming room overall.

now i’m going to help my cousins decorate. hurrrah :)

honestly,

i am just so incredibly off the edge now. it’s silly that i do feel so alone. 
i’m really amazed at how much i could miss sander when he’s not here at close proximity. an easy phone call away. a 20 minute drive. i miss him so much and just thinking about the next 3 and a half weeks is killer. i know it’s so useless to sit around and mope. taking today off put things into perspective. the day goes by slower and i kinda feel guilty and unproductive. sure, the day goes by slow and work but at least i’m out of the house. i feel a little more productive even when there are days where i have nothing to do. 

i want him back here so badly. i miss him but at the same time i don’t want to appear that vulnerable and nagging. i’m pretty sure i nagged him enough even before he left up to the day he left. 

so here i am. letting it all out here. thinking maybe this will help. i believe it will. when i miss him, i come here, whine a little. let it out and when he msgs or calls, the initial sadness will have subsided and then i can talk to him happily because that’s what he deserve. to be happy and relaxed on his vacation. to hear that yes, i do miss him, but i am doing fine here. going on with life. going to work. seeing/talking to friends when i can. going to the gym or for walks. reading the books he bought me. being somewhat independent. but of course, patiently waiting for him to come home. 

truth is, omg i miss him like fucking crazy. and i just wanna tell him that. tell him how hard it is. how long and excruciating it feels and it’s only been a day. yeah, pretty hardcore :( but i can’t. i won’t let myself (too much). 

instead, i want to focus on how i can show my appreciation for him when he comes back. he’s done so much for me in this year and few months of our relationship. he’s put up with so much from me. and he’s still around and i’m so grateful. i hope he knows i love him so much. i believe he does. but i want to make it more obvious to him. more heartfelt instead of implied. 

i’ll figure out a way. i have plenty of time.

i know it’s over, but sometimes it’s not enough. sometimes i so badly want to delete that part of my life. as much as i can admit there were very happy memories, it feels spoiled because of the way it all came to an end.

i just applied to Nipissing University to complete my Bachelor of Commerce degree.

little steps. small goals are more attainable. etc etc. yes, i believe that.

my heart is pounding because my first university experience wasn’t very successful. the stakes seem so high right now but just have to keep pushing. 

i’m honestly stressing about the finances. i’m paying back OSAP this year, and it’s not a giant amount but it will leave me a bit dry. luckily i’m working full-time for the next year. and i will be applying for a student line of credit because OSAP was a thorn in my side for the last 4 years. hopefully i’ll be able to save enough money to get through this degree. the line of credit would be a “just in case” security blanket.

we’ll seeee.

before you get ahead of yourself with emotions, step back and calm down. no reason to get worked up. no reason to be angry at anyone. please take into consideration that you are overreacting.. that you are setting yourself up to be blamed in the end. you cannot keep blaming all your pains on others. you cannot keep ignoring the advice that many give you and you cannot keep victimizing yourself.

maybe today it’s better to be alone with myself. to learn how to handle being alone with myself and my thoughts. to control my mind when it starts to think negatively. to keep myself busy when i am not occupied with other people. to not rely so religiously on other people to make myself feel better. to relax and sleep in. to do homework and clean. perhaps even yoga ! to pray, contemplate, and maybe one day to learn how to let go of things beyond my control ?

every day is fucked.

FORGET YOUR INCONSIDERATE BULLSHIT.

because it’s really easy for you to ignore mine. i don’t blame ya. i also don’t know why i keep running after you. i get what’s coming to me. but still, fuck you jerk. this person i am right now, it isn’t the real me. it’s what’s become of me. and i am better. i was better before you ruined me.
i know saying it doesn’t help the situation much, but i’ll take your advice right now and say that yeah, i need to get over you. and when i do, you’re gonna regret every single tear that dropped from these pretty eyes. it is a vicious cycle: i give you hell, you give me hell, i give you the motherload of HELL.

i’m a passionate person. everything i feel is amplified times 1000. i love you. and maybe that’s why i get so angry sometimes, so hurt, so sad, and so offended. and no, it isn’t right to keep treating you the way i do. but one day, you’re gonna realize what you did to me. and how much i put up with as well. you put up with me? and i put up with you putting up with me out of pity and everyone saying shit behind my back because i’m still chasing after your sorry ass. ugh. i don’t even know what to say anymore.