life in veneer

i just applied to Nipissing University to complete my Bachelor of Commerce degree. little steps. small goals are more attainable. etc etc. yes, i believe that. my heart is pounding because my first university experience wasn’t very successful. the stakes seem so high right now but just have to keep pushing.  i’m honestly stressing about the finances. i’m paying back OSAP this year, and it’s not a giant amount but it will leave me a bit dry. luckily i’m working full-time for the next year. and i will be applying for a student line of credit because OSAP was a thorn in my side for the last 4 years. hopefully i’ll be able to save enough money to get through this degree. the line of credit would be a “just in case” security blanket. we’ll seeee.

before you get ahead of yourself with emotions, step back and calm down. no reason to get worked up. no reason to be angry at anyone. please take into consideration that you are overreacting.. that you are setting yourself up to be blamed in the end. you cannot keep blaming all your pains on others. you cannot keep ignoring the advice that many give you and you cannot keep victimizing yourself.

maybe today it’s better to be alone with myself. to learn how to handle being alone with myself and my thoughts. to control my mind when it starts to think negatively. to keep myself busy when i am not occupied with other people. to not rely so religiously on other people to make myself feel better. to relax and sleep in. to do homework and clean. perhaps even yoga ! to pray, contemplate, and maybe one day to learn how to let go of things beyond my control ?

every day is fucked.

FORGET YOUR INCONSIDERATE BULLSHIT. because it’s really easy for you to ignore mine. i don’t blame ya. i also don’t know why i keep running after you. i get what’s coming to me. but still, fuck you jerk. this person i am right now, it isn’t the real me. it’s what’s become of me. and i am better. i was better before you ruined me. i know saying it doesn’t help the situation much, but i’ll take your advice right now and say that yeah, i need to get over you. and when i do, you’re gonna regret every single tear that dropped from these pretty eyes. it is a vicious cycle: i give you hell, you give me hell, i give you the motherload of HELL. i’m a passionate person. everything i feel is amplified times 1000. i love you. and maybe that’s why i get so angry sometimes, so hurt, so sad, and so offended. and no, it isn’t right to keep treating you the way i do. but one day, you’re gonna realize what you did to me. and how much i put up with as well. you put up with me? and i put up with you putting up with me out of pity and everyone saying shit behind my back because i’m still chasing after your sorry ass. ugh. i don’t even know what to say anymore.

how did i manage to make my dad angry already? this is stupid. i’ve been acting just like him and i totally realize how much of a douche he can be… meaning that i’ve probably been acting all douch-ey too. i’m sorry. why does it feel like i shouldn’t be here. i don’t think i’m a rebel. i never tried to be. never want to disobey or disappoint my parents. as much as i don’t want to grow up, i can’t avoid it. but it feels like i can’t even grow up because they talk to me like a child sometimes, still. when i’ve gotten this far on my own, mentally, and somewhat financially. i never asked them to help me with my homework. i got these grades on my own. i got into co-op on my own. and yes i made my own mistakes and i’m not asking them to cover for me. obviously i still need them. for a place to sleep, a place to eat, a place to shower. i need to appreciate what they’ve done for me so far. and believe me, i want to do that more. i want them to know that i love them and that i do appreciate it. but let me grow up, go places, get somewhere in life that i want to be so that i can be successful and repay you- financially. and of course with gratitude. i’m sorry. /end rant!

why can’t it act like one? why does my brain send messages to my heart that make it feel all tight inside and beat faster? hearts don’t feel emotion do they? at least that’s what i’m learning. it’s all in my head, not my heart. maybe all this stuff going on. maybe i’m just hurting myself on a whole new level. maybe this sleep deprivation really is a form of self-harm? i lock myself up in my room and think and think and think until i just can’t take it anymore. i hate it. i feel like i’ve gone everywhere for help but clearly i’m not helping myself. people ask me, do i want to feel better? do i want to stop hurting? and i say yes. then they ask me why i keep doing the things i do. they ask me, do i want to keep hurting? and they say that i probably do because i’m not doing anything to stop it. they say that this is the kind of love i want. i don’t know if it’s true. i don’t know how people do it. i don’t know and i wish i did so i could do it too. i don’t want to believe it. and i don’t !! i hate myself for this. for losing him. i just hate myself. for letting this happen. for becoming this person. i hate that he thinks i can’t be good again. my stomach is killing. i’m so scared that i won’t be normal anymore. things won’t be normal and i’ll just always feel extreme. nothing in the middle. nothing bearable. :(

please please tell me i don’t have to train people tomorrow ! and that i can be left alone. PLEASE. that would be a perfect shift.

sitting in class. fuck this and fuck life. sometimes i wish i was a lot more naive than i am now. this way maybe i wouldn’t be so fucking selfish. maybe i wouldn’t  be so fucking angry and so sad and so unhappy. maybe i’d be able to concentrate more and value school more than feelings. because right now i feel like complete, utter shit. i hate everything and i don’t deserve good things right now because i’m so foul. i have the give up attitude. i give up on giving up.

remember when i was so fucking excited to go back to Playdium ? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING ?!?!?!?!?! sam needs a new job ! along with a new attitude and shizzz. ugh i need to get the fuck outta town also. spend some money, i just need to get outta here. out of my head !!