why can’t it act like one? why does my brain send messages to my heart that make it feel all tight inside and beat faster? hearts don’t feel emotion do they? at least that’s what i’m learning. it’s all in my head, not my heart. maybe all this stuff going on. maybe i’m just hurting myself on a whole new level. maybe this sleep deprivation really is a form of self-harm? i lock myself up in my room and think and think and think until i just can’t take it anymore. i hate it. i feel like i’ve gone everywhere for help but clearly i’m not helping myself. people ask me, do i want to feel better? do i want to stop hurting? and i say yes. then they ask me why i keep doing the things i do. they ask me, do i want to keep hurting? and they say that i probably do because i’m not doing anything to stop it. they say that this is the kind of love i want. i don’t know if it’s true. i don’t know how people do it. i don’t know and i wish i did so i could do it too. i don’t want to believe it. and i don’t !! i hate myself for this. for losing him. i just hate myself. for letting this happen. for becoming this person. i hate that he thinks i can’t be good again. my stomach is killing. i’m so scared that i won’t be normal anymore. things won’t be normal and i’ll just always feel extreme. nothing in the middle. nothing bearable. :(